Going insane

Apparently I couldn't last very long. So yeah, I'm actually quitting a lot of activities. Which is rather sad. Apparently I am also addicted to playing neopets, watching videos (youtube, podcasts) and facebooking. I have the sinking feeling that if it weren't for my addictions my stress level would be a lot lower and I would sleep a lot more. kay, gotta finish this franklin thing. be back later.

Insomnia

Just saw my previous blogs on facebook (aka notes) and it was pretty interesting to look back and read them since they were sort of like my diary pages interspersed with articles/stories/surveys that were of interest to me. Let me tell ya, you can learn a lot about the person from looking at their diary, but there's also some parts that are not there. For example, someone who read my notes would assume that I am a very depressed person, but in real life, that status changes and it is not my true status. I would like to think that I am a very dynamic person, not in an arrogant sort of way, but in a very multi-dimensional sort of way.
I mean I am a very idealistic person, I know that I want to be in the program Teach for America when I graduate from Penn. I also know that I'd really want to enroll in Johns Hopkins, Harvard or Colombia's Public Health programs. Then go abroad with Peace Corps. I would also like to complete some nursing education at a random school of my choosing also someday in the future. I can only pray to God that somehow I would have a positive impact on humanity because of the life that I am leading.
Which brings me to another aspect of my personality, I tend to be sort of religious. Somehow, over all twenty years of my life I have not once thought about being an atheist. I may have been a Buddhist, agnostic and wanted to be a Wiccan in different points of my life, but somehow, I knew without explanation that there is indeed a God.
I also tend to be very quirky in my own little way. For example, I am a pretty big history geek and I really love to wear historical costumes or just plain elaborate costumes. In fact, if I was taller I would really have liked to be a model. I also harbor the secret wish of being able to act in plays.
However, I also realize that I'm an over-achiever, this semester I am trying to tackle being on Penn for UNICEF's board, part of perspective debate program in philly, tutoring kids for writing at the writer's house, doing food stamps and working with UNI through my ABCS course. To top it off, I also have a job as a lab assistant and am actively involved in church groups. Let's see how long I can keep this up w/out going insane.

It has been awhile

Yes, indeed, it has been awhile since my last post. It seems that I usually only post when I'm depressed or have some hidden anger towards someone or God or something of that nature.
So my summer was extremely uneventful, aside from reading the last book of Harry Potter, which I thought it was a bit strange. I mean especially the part about dying for others, why make Harry a martyr? Then him not dying, what does that sound like? Jesus maybe? Also, we all knew that Harry was going to end up with Lily and Ron with Hermione, (and probably Luna should be with Neville). But killing off one of the Weasley twins was just mean.
You know, I realize I'm a lot more candid when I'm anger/depressed, there should be a world where you're both angry and depressed, haven't run across it yet.
Yes, I see the impractically of being mad at God, but hey, I'm not perfect.
I mean, why burst my happy bubble yesterday? I totally did not like the way that Pastor Aaron explained Matthew 5:1-12. Oh we have to be dependent on God, kay, all right, and then, God will just break you "gently" Maybe to you, but God sure didn't break me "gently" but perhaps this is purely subjective. Then it was, people who are depressed are more close to God. Then I must have been very very close to God last year.
I guess it just made me feel mad that I've worked so hard to have a positive attitude this year at Penn and I've been doing so much better and then someone tells me that i should not be so happy? The world is telling us to be elbowing our way to the top, to have self-esteem and I've worked very hard to have a substantially higher self-esteem this year...then it feels like it is wrong for me to do so? I really didn't like how I was last year. I was depressed, emo, struggling, whatever words they categorize what I've went through last year.
At the start of the year, I was so happy that I would be involved with Perspectives, an organization that helps setting up debate team in Philly's urban schools. And also, coalition against hunger. Then also franklin community and my ABCS course (academically based community service) and I know exactly where I want to go. Health and societies, with no pre-med. It look me the whole summer to get over that horrible physics class. But all of sudden, after last night's sermon, I felt really de-energized. It is currently a pretty horrible day.

my thoughts on the recent VT shooting

After reading so much information about the tragedy that occured at VT I think I'm going to rant for a bit. while I can definitely sympathsize with the victims, I mean who couldn't? But I think we should be careful to look and see what we label the shooter. Perhaps he doesn't deserve our sympathies or even pity, but he was still human. I mean degrading someone to nonhuman is a fatalistic attitude to take. Most times this tactic is employed by the military to persuade people to go to war against other human beings. Perhaps it was because the shooter didn't view his victims as humans since he had no connections with them, but still, forgiveness is divine. I'm not defending what he did, I'm just saying that we should take a careful look and analyze what could have motivated this guy to do what he did and see if we could learn anything from this experience. Let's be so quick to jump the gun (no pun intended) and go to war against something/one/nation like what we did for 9/11.

Or perhaps I'm just crazy for even advocating this. But maybe I have sympathy for the shooter and his family because I'm a loner myself. Yes, at some points I do get very depressed but never would I do something like what the shooter did. No matter what others have done to you, it's not justifiable to take another human life, considering this was 30 some lives. Although I'd hurt myself sometimes (just mentally, most times not physically), which is hard not to do.

the final inch

As I'm sitting here all alone at a crossroads, I realize that I have an inherent fear of being all alone, but a conflicting desire to be alone. Or may be I am just afraid of being abandoned by people.
Right now I'm very tired of college, I have to finish a writing profolio for the writing seminar and also the final paper for that class. Then I also have to write another 5 page paper for another paper and then there's the 10-15 page final paper. The powerpoint presentation for hsoc have to be finished and there's two finals. Why in the world did I take physics anyways???
I just want to crawl into a little corner and not do anything.

Posts from facebook

I went through facebook and deleted all the personal notes on there and have moved them to here.

April 9 Monday
2:07 am
Unfortunately, this is probably turning too much into a blog and I will probably try to move it to my google blogger journal once I figure out how. Don't worry though, I will still post the knowledge a week thing every week afterward. But just a self reflection about how much I've changed upon coming to college. I'm pretty sure that I'm not the girl who used to be able to go up in front of the room and debate with people on various topics in highschool and the girl who was the president, vice president, secretary of every club (like most people here). It's like I went through a 180 degrees transformation and totally reverted back to my reserved, shy, and indecisive inner person. Actually, this change probably took place a bit before I came to college. I have a pretty good suspicion that it is brought on either by chemical imbalance or 3 really traumatic events in my life.

kay, I think I'm going to move this over to my blog that I just set up now. perhaps I shouldn't be this explicit on facebook.


Raining
12:07am Tuesday, Apr 3

I think this wil be a very tragic note that might be not hopeful or cheerful at all...please don't read it if you don't feel like getting depressed...it's probably just one of my goth/emo days where I get quite a bit down...
so where do cruelty and evil come from? why are innocent children abducted in their beds and brain washed to fight a pointless war? why do friends betray each other? why do people kill in the name of religion? why do people still believe in wars? why are there still genocide?
slight theory that the drive for power and money is at the root...
the there are questions I ask myself...
why can't do anything to help? why don't have any special talents that I can contribute to the world? why am I not happy with myself?
I have no eloquent words to describe all of my emotions but I will try to put it into a poem:


"Is there hope?"
just a child,
sleeping soundly in bed
knocks on the door
dragged through the bush
brainwashed, innocence lost
kill or be killed
can't escape or wake up
living nightmare
gunshots in the night
hatred of differences
are we that different
aren't we all humans?
we can be convinced of war,
can we be convinced of peace?
bombs strapped to torso
on a mission of mercy?
lying for power, money and fame
is there no trace of shame?



"why can't I?"
be just like you
who seems to hold superior skills
knowing everything
admired by all
chaning the world
overflowing with confidence
full of social grace
while I'm hiding in a corner
always all alone
crying for the lost
amidst the crowd
the loneliness if more acute
like I'm looking in on the scene
through locked gates and glass
this is someone else's dream
to be on top of the ivy tower
among the best of the best
I want to change the world
lacking apparent skills and talent
if I can't even save myself
how can I save others?

yes, currently I'm drowning in my own sorrows, listening to eva and superchick etc and others...

I am a Christian

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not shouting, "I've been saved!"
I'm whispering, "I get lost! That's why I chose this way"

When I say, "I am a Christian," I don't speak with human pride
I'm confessing that I stumble-needing God to be my guide

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not trying to be strong
I'm professing that I'm weak and pray for strength to carry on

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not bragging of success
I'm admitting that I've failed and cannot ever pay the debt

When I say, "I am a Christian," I don't think I know it all
I submit to my confusion asking humbly to be taught

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not claiming to be perfect
My flaws are far too visible but God believes I'm worth it

When I say, "I am a Christian," I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartache which is why I seek His name

When I say, "I am a Christian," I do not wish to judge
I have no authority--I only know I'm loved


Copyright 1988 Carol Wimmer

Just because I don't look like you

"Young man, you're not welcome here!" Those words echoed in Jeremy's head as he ran down the street. "I hate those stupid Christians. Anti-Christ Rules!"

Jeremy's life had become a living hell. It seemed as if God were to ruin everything that he loved. At the ripe old age of 14, he felt defeated and hopeless. Everybody made fun of his black clothes, dark eyeliner and lipstick, and gothic music. He was an only child living with his mom since his parents split up 6 years before. But she was too busy with her own messed-up life!

Everywhere Jeremy went, people stared and laughed at him. His dreary life had become a sad, hopeless existence. Nobody took the chance to even talk to him. Mr. Bailey, one of his teachers, pulled him aside and said, "You would probably have some friends if you didn't dress so weird." Mr. Bailey always had a way of pushing his buttons.

He wanted to run home and tell his mom, but he knew she wouldn't be there anyway. As he began searching through his back pack, he pulled out a Bible that he always liked to read when his feelings got hurt. He turned to the book of John and began to read about Jesus and his disciples. As he cried softly he thought, "I bet Jesus would have been my friend."

Jeremy woke up early that morning and walked into a church a couple blocks away from his home. He was excited about going to church for the first time. "Finally, someone will understand me!". As he took his first step into the church, he smiled at the usher and said "Hi". The usher looked at him coldly and then ignored him.

Jeremy walked with his head down as he slid into the center of the back row. As the Pastor walked around greeting old and new members of the congregation, he stopped when he reached the last row. As he glanced at Jeremy, he turned his head and walked back toward the pulpit. As the place filled with people, Jeremy sat all alone in the last pew. He turned and saw four people standing in the back looking at him coldly as the Pastor delivered his fiery sermon on proper Christian appearance.

Jeremy stood up and left the church. He swore he would never be back.

"Why can't I just be liked for who I am?" Jeremy ran faster. As he remembered those self righteous bible bigots, he began sobbing uncontrollably. "I hate them! I hate them!"

He stopped and crawled underneath a bridge where he had spent a lot of time thinking. It was dark and gloomy, but strangely comfortable. It reflected what he felt inside. It was, in some strange way, a place to hide from those "loving christians".

Jeremy was crying out in the same way we have cried out when nobody listened. Have you felt judged? Have you felt misunderstood? Have you felt alone? I think we all have. We need to stop acting like Christians and start acting like Christ!! Christ not only accepted these kinds of people, but he looked for them. He was excited that he had the directions to life as they went down the road to death. What was it that Jesus had? Love and acceptance. He was God and knew what it felt like to be rejected.

You know, I find myself in the middle of another counterculture. I realize that the same things I wrote about the "Metalheads" of yesterday are still true today. But one very sobering detail pierces my heart. Many of the same people that were crying for someone to understand them just 10 years ago, are turning their backs on the "Jeremy's" of the world today.

Many of you who were preaching unconditional love without condemnation and judgement, are guilty of hypocrisy today! You forget what it is like to reach out to someone on the edge that feel alone and confused. Don't forget that you use to be one of them!

Jeremy will continue to blame God instead of the people who are mistreating him. He will continue to follow Marilyn Manson and things like that who have the same venom. He will hate, and be hated. He will die in that pit - without a life line.

If you *are* Jeremy, I can assure you there is hope. Please let us know if there is anything we can do to help you. I am not offering you religion. It has a lot of people messed up today. I'd like to tell you about a relationship with God - who loves you just where you are! Call us toll free 1-800-548-5222. Or look us up on the web SANCTUARY Join us in one of our chat rooms! We'd love to give you some honest answers

~ this was written by Pastor Bob, from Sanctuary Int. Ministry. ~

Black Sheep

I'm beginning to believe that God does want me to follow his path. I found this site called Christian Goth on facebook and it reflects how I feel.

The Black Sheep

Once there lived a little sheep,

who went a different way. Some would say

the sheep was black, or that he went astray.

Because he thought so differently he soon was cast aside.

His heart was very heavy and lonely deep inside.

But then the Shepherd found him and drew him to his side.

He felt so safe to share his heart; confessing while he cried.

At last the sheep felt special - he now was fully known

by the lamb who became our Shepherd and claimed us for his own.

Anne Peterson

whatever

dis repair
In the darkness of light when no shadows fall
In the corner when I remain silent and still
Gazing ufocused to the distance where nothing is there
tempted by thoughts I thought no longer were here

Like a broken screen, I don't display any feelings
Like an abandoned doll, I was once very loved
Trapped by flood of tears that rise slowly to the ceiling
Nothing in my life is every resolved

A messed up transmitter, when you laugh, I could only cry
A mirror in pieces, only horrible lies
Perhaps if I jump I can fly
A broken doll that only shrieks and cries.

Yes, I did write this..but it's only a song pplz, don't go out of your way to be concerned. Reality disinterests me right now and I'm dispassionate. Possibly because the paper I wrote is very hard to edit, I lost my ear plugs, I saw my mortal enemy while riding in the elevator, yes, I still hate her, I'm a very selfish person, I feel very alone while everyone else can go home or see their family, I give up on our group presentation, I am full of cynicism for life.

hmmm

I think perhaps now I really need some time to find my own voice. It's getting complicated within myself but most times the poems that I write come pretty close to representing what I feel. I have such a hard time trying to articulate my words these days. I never have the courage to say the things I want to say or that I feel like I really don't have anything interesting to say.
It seems there so many distinguished individuals in upenn and it still feels like that with the admission rate to ivy leagues being so low, how in the world did I manage to get in here?

testing

just seeing if this works