Egomaniac or I-phila

I just realized that most of my posts begin with I.
Whether it is in the world like "interesting" or "it" perhaps I just happen to like that letter, or perhaps I am just an egomaniac.
Perhaps I am being too hard on myself. Anyhow, as for posting, I think I usually post things I would not post on facebook on here because somehow I feel that it is more private. So here's the plan, next year I think I will try to do some new things.
Such as:

Martial arts
Writing for the newspaper
Joining a frat
*lol* yep, it cracks me up too that I am attempting to do new things.
But first I should probably ask my adviser if I could go on the International Honors Program the spring of my Junior year. Or maybe it would be better to go during my senior year, though I don't know how that would work out.

Anyhow, my heart is pretty set on being a Nurse educator, ever after hearing that there is a dire need of them. Currently the nursing field suffers more from the lack of nurses who can teach others how to be nurses than from people who want to be nurses. In fact, it seems that the U.S. is in such a need that people from all over the world are being recruited, which seems awfully unfair to the developing nations that needs nurses themselves.

Well, I suppose I need to think of more than just self-reflections sometimes, but isn't that what a blog is suppose to be for? I could try to gather my thoughts on my idea about suffering. Hold on, let me put that into another more coherent note.

It is very hard being Linda sometimes

went to penn symphony orchestra last night, it was great hearing swan lake. I love the part with the harp solo. I really want to play on a harp someday :)

This was from yesterday:
So currently sitting here judging for debate and being kind of miserable. Don't get me wrong, I love debate to death but mostly I love it when I'm coaching and interacting with kids, the judging part kind of sucks, especially since I'm doing this for free. Also, its not as much as I don't like debate tournaments, it's just that I hate being ignored. My depression extends from there. Being an only child, I adore attention and hate it when I am left alone.
I actually do have other things to do, such as that history paper on west philly. What exact am I suppose to say about institutional building? I really don't have that much to say.
So anyhow, I was going to say that yesterday while I was writing my parents, I started crying. I think I'm get way too emotional lately. I was also being pretty egotistical so I wrote 1000 some words about myself when it only required 300-500 words. It is very hard being Linda sometimes.
Recently I also want to dance, play the piano and practice martial arts, things I haven't done in a long long time.
I seriously need to advertise for myself more. I am multi-talented, I know how to do all kinds of dance, folk, modern, Chinese traditional and belly dance. My mother enrolled me in dance since I was six years old. I can draw pretty decently as I taught myself since middle school. I'm also a very compassionate person, or else I would not have signed up to be in all those volunteer clubs. But then again, I can't get along with everyone. I also suffer from the blues. So it is really hard being me. I love how that went from good to bad.

Arabilious

That means morose, dejected. All of a sudden I realize that I cannot remember the last time I have laughed. I realized that I have not found a field that I am enthusiastic about yet. It suddenly felt like I was just going with the motions. I have no idea where my mind is most of the time. I have a horrible time concentrating. It's like I'm not really there. I guess this morning I felt like I was alive where sitting in church, but then it feels like that I was totally lost again. I really thrive on drama, don't I? I feel indifferent and extremely sensitive all at the same time. It always feel like I was an outsider looking in. Like nothing makes sense.

Going insane

Apparently I couldn't last very long. So yeah, I'm actually quitting a lot of activities. Which is rather sad. Apparently I am also addicted to playing neopets, watching videos (youtube, podcasts) and facebooking. I have the sinking feeling that if it weren't for my addictions my stress level would be a lot lower and I would sleep a lot more. kay, gotta finish this franklin thing. be back later.

Insomnia

Just saw my previous blogs on facebook (aka notes) and it was pretty interesting to look back and read them since they were sort of like my diary pages interspersed with articles/stories/surveys that were of interest to me. Let me tell ya, you can learn a lot about the person from looking at their diary, but there's also some parts that are not there. For example, someone who read my notes would assume that I am a very depressed person, but in real life, that status changes and it is not my true status. I would like to think that I am a very dynamic person, not in an arrogant sort of way, but in a very multi-dimensional sort of way.
I mean I am a very idealistic person, I know that I want to be in the program Teach for America when I graduate from Penn. I also know that I'd really want to enroll in Johns Hopkins, Harvard or Colombia's Public Health programs. Then go abroad with Peace Corps. I would also like to complete some nursing education at a random school of my choosing also someday in the future. I can only pray to God that somehow I would have a positive impact on humanity because of the life that I am leading.
Which brings me to another aspect of my personality, I tend to be sort of religious. Somehow, over all twenty years of my life I have not once thought about being an atheist. I may have been a Buddhist, agnostic and wanted to be a Wiccan in different points of my life, but somehow, I knew without explanation that there is indeed a God.
I also tend to be very quirky in my own little way. For example, I am a pretty big history geek and I really love to wear historical costumes or just plain elaborate costumes. In fact, if I was taller I would really have liked to be a model. I also harbor the secret wish of being able to act in plays.
However, I also realize that I'm an over-achiever, this semester I am trying to tackle being on Penn for UNICEF's board, part of perspective debate program in philly, tutoring kids for writing at the writer's house, doing food stamps and working with UNI through my ABCS course. To top it off, I also have a job as a lab assistant and am actively involved in church groups. Let's see how long I can keep this up w/out going insane.

It has been awhile

Yes, indeed, it has been awhile since my last post. It seems that I usually only post when I'm depressed or have some hidden anger towards someone or God or something of that nature.
So my summer was extremely uneventful, aside from reading the last book of Harry Potter, which I thought it was a bit strange. I mean especially the part about dying for others, why make Harry a martyr? Then him not dying, what does that sound like? Jesus maybe? Also, we all knew that Harry was going to end up with Lily and Ron with Hermione, (and probably Luna should be with Neville). But killing off one of the Weasley twins was just mean.
You know, I realize I'm a lot more candid when I'm anger/depressed, there should be a world where you're both angry and depressed, haven't run across it yet.
Yes, I see the impractically of being mad at God, but hey, I'm not perfect.
I mean, why burst my happy bubble yesterday? I totally did not like the way that Pastor Aaron explained Matthew 5:1-12. Oh we have to be dependent on God, kay, all right, and then, God will just break you "gently" Maybe to you, but God sure didn't break me "gently" but perhaps this is purely subjective. Then it was, people who are depressed are more close to God. Then I must have been very very close to God last year.
I guess it just made me feel mad that I've worked so hard to have a positive attitude this year at Penn and I've been doing so much better and then someone tells me that i should not be so happy? The world is telling us to be elbowing our way to the top, to have self-esteem and I've worked very hard to have a substantially higher self-esteem this year...then it feels like it is wrong for me to do so? I really didn't like how I was last year. I was depressed, emo, struggling, whatever words they categorize what I've went through last year.
At the start of the year, I was so happy that I would be involved with Perspectives, an organization that helps setting up debate team in Philly's urban schools. And also, coalition against hunger. Then also franklin community and my ABCS course (academically based community service) and I know exactly where I want to go. Health and societies, with no pre-med. It look me the whole summer to get over that horrible physics class. But all of sudden, after last night's sermon, I felt really de-energized. It is currently a pretty horrible day.

my thoughts on the recent VT shooting

After reading so much information about the tragedy that occured at VT I think I'm going to rant for a bit. while I can definitely sympathsize with the victims, I mean who couldn't? But I think we should be careful to look and see what we label the shooter. Perhaps he doesn't deserve our sympathies or even pity, but he was still human. I mean degrading someone to nonhuman is a fatalistic attitude to take. Most times this tactic is employed by the military to persuade people to go to war against other human beings. Perhaps it was because the shooter didn't view his victims as humans since he had no connections with them, but still, forgiveness is divine. I'm not defending what he did, I'm just saying that we should take a careful look and analyze what could have motivated this guy to do what he did and see if we could learn anything from this experience. Let's be so quick to jump the gun (no pun intended) and go to war against something/one/nation like what we did for 9/11.

Or perhaps I'm just crazy for even advocating this. But maybe I have sympathy for the shooter and his family because I'm a loner myself. Yes, at some points I do get very depressed but never would I do something like what the shooter did. No matter what others have done to you, it's not justifiable to take another human life, considering this was 30 some lives. Although I'd hurt myself sometimes (just mentally, most times not physically), which is hard not to do.