That means morose, dejected. All of a sudden I realize that I cannot remember the last time I have laughed. I realized that I have not found a field that I am enthusiastic about yet. It suddenly felt like I was just going with the motions. I have no idea where my mind is most of the time. I have a horrible time concentrating. It's like I'm not really there. I guess this morning I felt like I was alive where sitting in church, but then it feels like that I was totally lost again. I really thrive on drama, don't I? I feel indifferent and extremely sensitive all at the same time. It always feel like I was an outsider looking in. Like nothing makes sense.
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Well, congratulations on an excellent word, first of all; I sure as heck have never heard it before, even.
I think if you look back, you'll find this isn't the first time you've felt like this about school, yourself, or things in general. Not to toot my own horn, but I think this plays well into a theory about people that I mentioned before;
As C.S. Lewis puts it in "The Screwtape Letters,"
Humans are amphibians—half spirit and half animal... As spirits they belong to the eternal world, but as animals they inhabit time. This means that while their spirit can be directed to an eternal object, their bodies, passions, and imaginations are in continual change, for to be in time means to change.
Their nearest approach to constancy, therefore, is undulation—the repeated return to a level from which they repeatedly fall back, a series of troughs and peaks. If you had watched your patient carefully you would have seen this undulation in every department of his life—his interest in his work, his affection for his friends, his physical appetites, all go up and down. As long as he lives on earth periods of emotional and bodily richness and liveliness will alternate with periods of numbness and poverty..."
(I highly recommend you pick up this book some time, by the way)
Given how busy you keep yourself with social work, class work, job work, etc. and the fact that you reserve no time for yourself...it shouldn't surprise you that you feel drained, frazzled and disaffected.
We should talk more...but I'm afraid to call you now, because I never know if I'm going to be interrupting something more important.
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