Insomnia

Just saw my previous blogs on facebook (aka notes) and it was pretty interesting to look back and read them since they were sort of like my diary pages interspersed with articles/stories/surveys that were of interest to me. Let me tell ya, you can learn a lot about the person from looking at their diary, but there's also some parts that are not there. For example, someone who read my notes would assume that I am a very depressed person, but in real life, that status changes and it is not my true status. I would like to think that I am a very dynamic person, not in an arrogant sort of way, but in a very multi-dimensional sort of way.
I mean I am a very idealistic person, I know that I want to be in the program Teach for America when I graduate from Penn. I also know that I'd really want to enroll in Johns Hopkins, Harvard or Colombia's Public Health programs. Then go abroad with Peace Corps. I would also like to complete some nursing education at a random school of my choosing also someday in the future. I can only pray to God that somehow I would have a positive impact on humanity because of the life that I am leading.
Which brings me to another aspect of my personality, I tend to be sort of religious. Somehow, over all twenty years of my life I have not once thought about being an atheist. I may have been a Buddhist, agnostic and wanted to be a Wiccan in different points of my life, but somehow, I knew without explanation that there is indeed a God.
I also tend to be very quirky in my own little way. For example, I am a pretty big history geek and I really love to wear historical costumes or just plain elaborate costumes. In fact, if I was taller I would really have liked to be a model. I also harbor the secret wish of being able to act in plays.
However, I also realize that I'm an over-achiever, this semester I am trying to tackle being on Penn for UNICEF's board, part of perspective debate program in philly, tutoring kids for writing at the writer's house, doing food stamps and working with UNI through my ABCS course. To top it off, I also have a job as a lab assistant and am actively involved in church groups. Let's see how long I can keep this up w/out going insane.

It has been awhile

Yes, indeed, it has been awhile since my last post. It seems that I usually only post when I'm depressed or have some hidden anger towards someone or God or something of that nature.
So my summer was extremely uneventful, aside from reading the last book of Harry Potter, which I thought it was a bit strange. I mean especially the part about dying for others, why make Harry a martyr? Then him not dying, what does that sound like? Jesus maybe? Also, we all knew that Harry was going to end up with Lily and Ron with Hermione, (and probably Luna should be with Neville). But killing off one of the Weasley twins was just mean.
You know, I realize I'm a lot more candid when I'm anger/depressed, there should be a world where you're both angry and depressed, haven't run across it yet.
Yes, I see the impractically of being mad at God, but hey, I'm not perfect.
I mean, why burst my happy bubble yesterday? I totally did not like the way that Pastor Aaron explained Matthew 5:1-12. Oh we have to be dependent on God, kay, all right, and then, God will just break you "gently" Maybe to you, but God sure didn't break me "gently" but perhaps this is purely subjective. Then it was, people who are depressed are more close to God. Then I must have been very very close to God last year.
I guess it just made me feel mad that I've worked so hard to have a positive attitude this year at Penn and I've been doing so much better and then someone tells me that i should not be so happy? The world is telling us to be elbowing our way to the top, to have self-esteem and I've worked very hard to have a substantially higher self-esteem this year...then it feels like it is wrong for me to do so? I really didn't like how I was last year. I was depressed, emo, struggling, whatever words they categorize what I've went through last year.
At the start of the year, I was so happy that I would be involved with Perspectives, an organization that helps setting up debate team in Philly's urban schools. And also, coalition against hunger. Then also franklin community and my ABCS course (academically based community service) and I know exactly where I want to go. Health and societies, with no pre-med. It look me the whole summer to get over that horrible physics class. But all of sudden, after last night's sermon, I felt really de-energized. It is currently a pretty horrible day.